I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
