My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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