got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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