I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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