God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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