I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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