woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My penis needs a shock collar
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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