Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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