shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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