so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
