Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
