someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
