U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
