Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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