i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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