Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
