I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How's work?
Spinning.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I think I sprained my soul last night
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
