I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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