Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
