dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
