my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the barista slut.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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