I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
