see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
