I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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