Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
