I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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