my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize