Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
