god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
