I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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