Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
