If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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