Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
