dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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