I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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