Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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