The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I need to calm my uterus...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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