dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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