i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
