put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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