She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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