Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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