Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
