I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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