You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
