by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
