So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
