I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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