why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's rum buckets o'clock
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
