the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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