I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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