He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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