I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
