She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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