I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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