My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize