I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
