Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It's blow job season.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
