someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
