I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
