i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
