we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
