you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
