Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
