I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
