before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
